| | [ring]
Me: "Hey-o."
Works: "You fucking miserable shithead. Someday the self-important assholes of the world will unite as one and build a shining golden goddamn statue in your legacy."
Me: "Here's hoping...but what prompted that, exactly?"
Works: "I got your text about your date and I was about to say something about fish in the sea and shit, when it occurs to me for the past four months, you've done nothing but screw yourself silly with insanely hot women and then bitch about how you don't have a girlfriend."
Me: "Well, uh."
Works: "You're in this bizarre sort of fucked-up Californication-level over-sexed self-loathing pissant self-obsessed writerly obnoxiousness where you don't realize just how screwed up your bullshit is. Do you? Do you? I have friends who would give up half their central nervous system for a handjob from some of the women you've been making horizontal mambo with, meanwhile you whine incessantly about not having someone in your life to appreciate you."
Me: "It's a...lot more complicated than that."
Works: "No! No it's not! Just because you like living without justification or accepting social ramifications doesn't mean the people around you are as equally morally adrift! You don't get to have your cake and bitch it doesn't have the frosting you want when you're crowding the dessert cart."
Me: "...you know, you're dating a hot piece of ass right now, I'm not sure you can really take the high road with this."
Works: "Oh, like you could ever take a high road. Plus, you know I'm not doing it out of jealousy, really ."
Me: "Look, you know, there's a long, twisted river separating the lands of the "laid" and the mystical kingdom of the "liked", and I'm just trying -- "
Works: "I don't care about any of that. I'm just telling you, getting into a massive personal sulk and going off and brooding to Nick Cave while beautiful women are persistently up for putting the spurs to you is just a big fat championship-level load of bullshit. Suck it up. You'll meet someone. Just stop being a broody little antagonistic bitch and be patient. It'll happen. You're charming when you're not doing the whole "I am such a clever asshole" routine. And eventually you'll find someone."
Me: "Who are you, my fuckin' mother?"
Works: "I think your mother is more concerned with you being twenty-five and unmarried than she is about you violating the sacred tenets of Man Code."
Me: "True on that. Anyway; if you're done touring the lecture circuit of Vaccerelli's Humanistic Failures; you wanna get the gang together and go see The Box?"
Works: "Is it about Cameron Diaz's vagina dentata?"
Me: "I don't believe so."
Works: "Let me think about it."
[click]
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| | Posted 11/10/2009 6:00 PM - 217 Views - 76 eProps - 39 comments
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I am a big fan of your writing!
